Learn From My Mistakes: 3 Things to Avoid After a Breakup

These are patterns I was blind to that were my go to when a relationship ended. I put so much value in the external that I didn't see the trauma within. Actually, I was afraid to look within. If I broke up with them, I felt bad for hurting the person. If they broke up with me, I felt worthless. There was an emptiness that I didn't want to face so I did these things to cope. But with every wrong strategy, there lies a solution. Let's get started.

1. DISTRACTION- This means filling your time with everything. This was my go-to. I would go out, didn't want to be home. Spend time with friends. Go to the gym. Keep busy, busy, busy. I suffer from ruminating so I avoided it, by doing other things to distract myself. The problem is I never dealt with the root cause, which was me. 

2. BLAMING - I became the victim in my story. It was so much easier to make the other person the bad guy. Even when it was me that broke up with them, I would tell others their flaws and why we weren't a good fit. When I was the one dumped, oh, I went to full-on victim mode. Like a novella and I was the star.

3. JUMPING INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP - this one is a classic. I think we all fall into a pattern of the best way to forget about a person is to find a new person. This is linked to number one. The new person becomes a distraction and this then becomes a dysfunctional loop. Except we end up either getting hurt, or hurting others and it can keep going unless something drastic changes.

For me, this was my pattern forever, like forever, ever!

I remember that a therapist tried to diagnose me with a disorder, which made me feel hopeless. However, here's the 'BUT GOD' moment. It took God giving me a blood clot, then leading the person I was with to break up with me, my daughter going through her own stuff which led to her moving in with her dad, and a friend passing away. So He got my attention. Yes, I had an extra helping of the stubbornness gene for God to do this.

So I was alone for the first time, ever. No distractions. I finally made the choice to go deep and figure out what He was trying to show me. That's when I started to unpack what needs healing in me. You see, when things go wrong in your life, there's a refinement lesson in it for you. The circumstances that are happening to you, are happening for you.

What does that mean? It means that your blinders are being removed. What you're going through, what you're triggered by is a clue to a trauma that you may have experienced as a child. The patterns of rejection, betrayal, abandonment, for me, came from way back. I just didn't want to deal with it. It's too painful to look into. It was easier to be distracted or blame others. Even though things happened to you as a child, we get to own that part of us and take responsibility.

That doesn't mean what happened to you wasn't hurtful. It means that you can forgive others, and yourself, so you can start healing. So what do you do?

1. STOP and FORGIVE. You have to forgive yourself and the other person. No matter what happened, focus on right now. Take some time for yourself to take a look at the relationship and own your part. But also don't let the other person off the hook if they didn't treat you well. Don't get into the habit of unicorns and rainbows when you're pining for someone that you love that left. Journal what you're feeling to help you process and get the thoughts out of your head and your body. Something about writing that, mind-body connection that allows you to release without being destructive.

2. DO WORKOUT. Your body and your heart will thank you for it. The funk after a breakup is real, especially when you're the one that's been dumped. You have 2 choices, a pint of ice cream and eat your emotions, or get some endorphins by working out. I suggest working out. Again, it's another way to release those negative feelings and energy to help you physically and mentally get better.

3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Own your part. It takes 2 people for a relationship to work or not work. What was your part? How healthy were you in the relationship? Do you have some unresolved trauma that you haven't dealt with? This one is huge. Did you know that if you experienced trauma as a child, your body will remember it? There are studies that show that those feelings of rejection, abandonment, betrayal actually can live in your fascia. So when you're triggered, your body will respond like it did when you were a child. The body doesn't keep time, so you won't know why you feel that way, but that's a clue. Also, there are studies that show the parent can pass on their own unhealed trauma to their children. That's why you see repeating patterns from parent to child. That's what I think generational curses come from. I'm going to get biblical here. There is an enemy that wants to kill, steal, and destroy. But he works through people, life circumstance, miscommunication. His weapons are not ones you can physically see like a knife, but rejection, abandonment, betrayal are real weapons that can be triggered. That can stay with you for years unless you face it to heal it.

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